Freezing long nights and familiar comforts

Outside the car, the ice still sings

This fall was the warmest one I’ve experienced here, yet it is the earliest I saw the lakes become passable by car. Now the nights are freezing, and after six hours I feel like I can barely function despite spending much of that time tucked away on a dramatically reclined heated seat, with hot tea, and some lebkuchen sent lovingly from halfway across the world in the most perfect ever care package.

The ice layer on the moon roof eventually melts and clears, and the stars become visible overhead. Cloudy weather comes and goes too. The night changes a lot through these hours.

Quiet and alone

One of the best things for me in such cold nights is the usual rogue snowmobiles and party bonfire scenes on the lakes are much less. The time quickly becomes so late that no one else is crazy enough to still be awake and out anyway.

Probably not halfway through the night, I really reach the point where there is no coming back to real warmth. My fingers, my toes, my face… They all just reached the place of being cold in their bones, and a little past 3am that numbing cold becomes too much and sends me back to my warm bed and gives a good sleep for the night.

Moments of joy

An instinctual u-turn

I knew the section of the highway I was driving through, I had driven it hundreds of times before. I knew the beauty there, but before I even left the house I had set out in my mind a destination rather than a journey.

Still hundreds of metres away, I could see the mist rising from the river. I slowed from the not even 70km/h I was driving and I admired how the sunlight was turning the rising mist gold. Then the sunlight broke through the forest. I released my foot from the accelerator but not yet touching the brake. With my eyes not particularly focused on the road, I travelled probably several hundred metres more while I pondered stopping. Was some… ‘destination’ really so perfect or important?

I sped up and recentered in the highway to drive on, but then immediately slowed, veered again to the side, and doubled back to leave my car at the side of the road for a while. To be in that present moment ended up giving some of the best moments in months.

"I just got to find something physical that lets the energy out. It just creates room for your thoughts, and just forces you to be in the present moment. And the more you are in the present moment, the more good decisions you are going to take and it's going to lead to a better life."

Running through the forest

In such a long time, I never felt the happiness I did for the minutes of just running alone through this forest covered in the snow. Kicking up snow that sparkled in the sunlight and running to nowhere for no other reason than it just felt so beautiful. Like I had to get the energy out, like this was the only way to let out being so overwhelmed with the beauty. I would throw my arms out as I randomly ran steps, like it would somehow express how in love I felt in these minutes or it would centre me.

-40 in the middle of the day and I was running around with my parka open and toque barely on my head enough to cover all of my ears. Yet at a moments notice, I could have just fallen down in the soft ground there, just to try to soak this up. The mist continually rose over from the open water at the river below. When I became still, that mist was the only movement. Even my own mind in these moments finally got some stillness.

Occasionally I could hear my car idle back at the highway, and when I finally ran back to it and got inside, my breathing instantly iced up the insides of the windows.

The highest the sun is getting in the sky these days.

This empty northern hemisphere

-30° today but I reached for a little bit of summer. I stretched my fingers over soft green moss and remembered how it feels to lay my head back on the moss of the forest floor months from now. The warm glow of the sunlight is never ending because the days are so short, and for seconds sometimes you can really feel the warmth still too.

"The sun never reaching far enough around the sky to melt them away."

Entire rock faces remain covered in the most fine ice crystals. The sun never reaching far enough around the sky to melt them away. Water runs from somewhere above and drips a drop at a time down the icicles. Other drops take a different path landing on a rock face and splashing down catching my face. A little bit of life. It feels nice.

All of me feels warm. My balaclava is covered in frost, and ice crystals dangle down from my fur hood. My toes are warm and cosy in thick wool socks tucked away on a sheepskin insole inside my mukluks. Only my fingers feel cold from handling my camera through my mittens. My fingers and this one small spot that runs along the side of my left hand which always has this cold, tingling feeling when I’m a little bit tired.

It’s an easy solution to warm up my fingers. Just to make a soft fist inside my mittens with my thumb tucked inside to my palms, if I could only put my camera down.

Soft summer moss in a world of winter.

Warm light gradients over a tamarack tree.

Everything’s changed

Shake your hair, have some fun
Forget our mothers and past lovers, forget everyone
Oh I'm so lucky, you are my best friend
Oh there's no one, there's no one who knows me like you do

Remember when we cut our hair?
We both looked like boys, but we didn't care
Stick it out together, like we always do
Oh there's no one, there's no one quite like you

Almost three years apart, but within seconds of spotting each other at the airport, we were right back to old times

My bestest, bestest friend came up for the weekend and this was so, so good for the soul. It was as though time stood completely still these days, while simultaneously feeling like it couldn’t be passing any faster.

We enjoyed cold city walks with thermoses full of glühwein, and hours far out in the countryside. Back home, we drank copious amounts of coffee with equal parts home made stollen. Canuck and Leaf games were thoroughly suffered through enjoyed. The northern lights were spotted dancing from the windows of the same but changed home. And endless heart to hearts led to a few tears. And of course laughing fits did too.

For a weekend, it really felt like everything is going to be okay.

The bigger picture

I was up early on this morning. Well before the sun made it over the hill on the other side of the lake. A sun dog was already visible, and it was so beautiful. It felt like a true December morning. The sky was completely clear. The trees outside my house were covered entirely in hoar frost, and the exhaust from the vents of all the homes was vibrant orange, catching the sunlight.

I had my toasted bagel as I almost always do, along with a sweet persimmon, but I took my coffee in my thermos for later. It has never been about the caffeine for me, purely just the mood and the enjoyment.

Imagination or not, my first steps through the forest smelled of winter in Sweden. It was, by all means, completely improbable, but it was exactly so. I stopped dead in my tracks and didn’t move for minutes. I just could not mistake that, it was certain. I had not been in the north of Sweden since 13 years, but in a heartbeat I felt like I was right in the forests of Jukkasjärvi again. And I really needed that. In just a perfect synchronicity, today was the most fitting day of all for that. I took a photo, made a quiet promise to never forget it, and kept walking.

Of course it is the best way to finish the day in the cold, around -27°C. A hot coffee and the last of the sunlight.